Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Doggies just call it style.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.