Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

🇺🇸🤭

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard