Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

Netflix and you sit over there.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.