Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Wednesday

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good