Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
