Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.