Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Me trying to “trust the process”

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

I am yelling

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Breakfast in bed.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”