Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.