Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.