Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES