Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

My flabber has been gasted.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts