Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

back to work

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.