Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*