Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Battery falling down a hole
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on