Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

🤣

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Me too 😆

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.