Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
The 6 types of sex
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.