Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Sing it!
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
the simulation is moving too fast
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.