Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.