Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

hi why am I like this

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

when she block me on everything

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

Would you wear it?

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.