Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper