Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.