Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.