Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.