Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”