Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice