Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
You Might Also Like
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah