Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

The old gods are rising again.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

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me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy