Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now