Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
life lately
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.