Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven