Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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Education is vital
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.