Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.