Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

see next tweet for some translations

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”