Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”