Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.