Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.