Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”