Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

March 16

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

I have so many questions.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.