everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I can’t be the only one 😂
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple