Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct