Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I had to Stop for this
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.