Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions