Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
is it earth
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A great tip. #CakeRex
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…