Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Cndnsd Mlk
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
🤣😂🤣😂
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Oops I deleted….
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life