Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud