Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep