Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
The best plant holders?
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.