Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
every. time.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain