everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”