Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?