Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?