everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.