Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
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At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Um … Hot Wings please
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.