Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

We have a winner.

Worst Native American name ever.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

The little toadstool has spoken.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.