Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

saw this in a dream

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

ㅤ

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

#FunnyLife Insects