Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009