Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.