Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
titanic
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
#FunnyLife Insects
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…