Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

But wait…

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

Here’s a meme

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

This a good idea

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.