Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying