Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me