EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”