Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

We’ve come full circle

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

It’s his time

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Choose your fighter

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.