Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Any refunds available?…

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.