Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self