Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
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If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Breaking news:
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Thinking about Jeff
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that