Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”