Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
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Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.