Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?