Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
me opening up to someone
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Peace was never an option
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.