everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*