Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?