Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

asked my bf how work was today

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

*serious situation*

My brain:

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%