everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Friday
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now