Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Home #decor warning.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

#StillHurts

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Battery falling down a hole

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you