Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!