everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Warm pools make me nervous.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
2022 be like
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking