[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
thank god
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
an airline just for babies.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔