Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Peace was never an option
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
