Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
how long have you had this for?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years