Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Phones down.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”